wow i am so sorry you feel like that,
see if you want like you said - all this to go away one day-there is no better moment than the NOW ,dear.
and you know you DON`T like it like it is. and you KNOW that if you do it with the guys eveything will be worse!

are you sure you want more pain than you already HAVE?

please don`t judge yourself for your deed...whatever it is.
it has NO REAL MEANING.

i hope you get yourself more professional help. you know that on this site you are not going to get ALL the help you need.
(((((( gostryter)))))) everything will be o.k
try to believe in a better tomorow