Invisible, welcome to PC. I am sorry you don't feel. It sounds to me like you have a block for some reason. Have you been to a therapist to work through these things you have mentioned? You might be blocking out something unpleasant that you do not wish to remember. A therapist or a counselor is a good start. Then keep a journal of your feelings and see what changes there. We can only help ourselves if we take the first step. You did that here and that is wonderful. We are a support for each other but you need the help of a T at this time. I myself am going to one and you are never too old to go to one and learn something new. I wish you well. tc.