My Support Forums - View Single Post - Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how part XV

precaryous · 09:48 AM

I sent this to T
****trigger for child abuse and sui***

Dear T,

I'm thinking, remembering what we talked about today- ( abuse at home and abuse at school- details deleted) in first grade. They happened in a supply closet at school. There were no witnesses. It occurs to me I don't know if anyone else in the world knew they were happening to me? I'm crying, truthfully.

School was supposed to be bright colors and games and making friends and learning new things. But to me school was just a continuation of the treatment I experienced at home. And school was failure. I felt like a failure. I was told I was failure. I raised my hand to ask if I could go to the bathroom. My 1st grade teacher: "Precaryous, I know you..and you just want to get out of work!" I had to go to the bathroom. I couldn't hold it.

Things didn't get better.

Possible trigger:

I tried to kill myself when I was ten years old. Everything was too much. I was ten years old when I first remember dissociating out of my body during a whipping.

I was ten years old and I was out of my mind.

I didn't have anyone on my side anywhere. That sucks that my life was washed up by age ten. I didn't stand a chance in this world....and I was just ten years old.

What good does it do to remember it and cry about it now?