My doctor and my husband tell me that I am bipolar, but I tell myself that I am a child of God and that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I don’t let being bipolar define who I am but there have been days that it has completely taken over my entire being.
About a year ago…maybe more… I was diagnosed as bipolar. I couldn’t believe that this could ever be something that I would have to deal with. Most days to follow I lived in complete denial other days I was completely aware of the fact that this was real, very real. My husband made me go see a mental health doctor because for the short time that we had been married he had be accusing me that I was bipolar, crazy, nuts you name it I was it. He went with me to the doctor appointment but waited in the waiting room as I met the doctor for the first time. My first impression of this doctor was terrible, but then again I had a terrible attitude about being there at all. I met with the doctor for about 45min and she told me that I had a mood disorder…she wasn’t specific at first but she had mentioned something about bipolar and I completely stopped listening after that. She advised me to not tell my husband about what she and I talked about because he would use it against me. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t tell my husband because I am supposed to tell him everything right? Well as we left the doctor he asked many questions and I was pretty much a closed book. I was trying to process everything and I kept hearing the doctor say don’t tell your husband. Finally I gave up and told my husband what was said and that she said I had a mood disorder “bipolar”. I will never forget my husbands reaction to the news. He cried so hard, we both cried our eyes out. Where do we go from here?
The months to follow were incredibly challenging. I refused to take all this medication that was prescribed to me because it made me feel numb to the world. Some days I had shortness of breath from anxiety and some days I just lived life as “normal” as possible. We had better days, the mood swings came less and things seemed to be getting a bit better. I was still heavily in denial about what was happening and didn’t take my medicine as I should have. When me and my husband would fight he would use it against me and say things like “you are having an episode” “this is my wife” “you are bipolar and your feelings aren’t valid” “you belong in a mental hospital” I’ve pretty much heard it all. This only made me feel worse about my mental illness and made me refuse to want to be treated with medication. So for months I would only take about 1/4th of the medicine that I should have and I had a lot of resentment towards my husband.
During some of my “episodes” I have tried, and most times succeeded, to hurt my husband. Several times I have thrown things at him, hit him, pulled a knife out on him (once), called him pretty much every bad name in the book. I’ve been pinned to the ground from him in hopes to calm me down and get me to stop acting out. At times when I’ve been pinned down my husband has looked at me and called me crazy and that I am bipolar….you get the picture. I’ve been thrown outside my house and locked out to stop the fighting. My life this past year has been the worst learning experience I have ever had to endure.
My job requires me to be around people for 8-9 hours straight. I am a bartender so I am around all types of people. I constantly over hear people’s conversations about relationships they’ve been in and all the ugly details about them. One thing that I am very aware of is how this society uses the word bipolar like it’s nothing. “Oh man this girl I was with was nuts, she is so bipolar” “my ex-boyfriend was such a ****, he was bipolar”. People don’t think about the weight that that word carries. If these people only knew what it was like to be bipolar. It is such a negative thing in this society that most people don’t care to educate themselves about.
I wish that I had more support than I do. I haven’t told anybody about this other than my close family. I feel like even they don’t understand what I am going through. Sometimes on my bad days they get frustrated and don’t even want to be around me or talk to me. I don’t blame them really. I want more support, people that I can talk to that can relate to what I am going through, people that will not sit back and judge me for who I am. I want to be accepted. I struggle with feeling like I fit in. I don’t tell people that I am bipolar because I don’t want them to use it to define me.
Last night my husband told me that he is tired of making excuses for me. He has had to make excuses for me to his friends and family. I have been exposed to his friends big time this past week. They have seen me at my absolute worse. It’s a complete embarrassment to my husband and me. But to hear those words come out of his mouth just cut me like a knife. He told me that he often asks himself why he married me and that he doesn’t want to be married to someone who cannot manage her meds. What’s next for me? How do you bounce back from such hurtful words from someone who is supposed to love you the most in this world. Has he been hurt and mistreated? Without a shadow of a doubt. He has taken the brutal brunt of this entire thing and at the end of the day I don’t blame him for having these feelings.
I am writing on this forum in hopes to find people who can relate, I would love to hear other peoples stories about what they have been through, what has been the most helpful to them, how you have gotten through your darkest days. I don’t want to lose my marriage or my relationships over this diagnosis but every day I fear that I will. I feel like it is inevitable. If I could I would isolate myself so that nobody would have to be affected by me being bipolar but I know that that isn’t the solution. I just want people to understand. I want to feel validated, loved, accepted.