Hello CuriouslyCrazy: There was a time, a number of years ago now, when I was doing some physically demanding home-remodeling work. I work go out & work for an hour or two. Then I'd go in & self harm. At the time, I wouldn't have said I was depressed. I was working hard at a project I wanted to accomplish. Looking back I wouldn't say I was particularly depressed either. If anything, I would say I was "self-angry". I hated myself, plus I had a bunch of other complicated identity stuff going on that I had been carrying around for many years. (It's a long story.)

Much of who we think we are, what we think about the various aspects of our lives, & what we believe or don't believe resides in levels of the brain to which we have no access. This is, I imagine, why circumstances such as you're experiencing, & I experienced, seem so bewildering.

Unfortunately I don't have any miracle cures to suggest for you. I had to cause myself permanent injury before I was able to put an end to my self abuse. And, as time has gone by, & I have aged, most of this drive to self abuse has faded, although I suspect it still lurks somewhere in the deeper recesses of my brain.

One thing I did not do, that I should have done, was to seek help for what I was doing. I would have been too embarrassed. Plus, I'm embarrassed to admit, I enjoyed what I was doing. Would it have helped if I had sought help? I don't know. But it probably would have been worth a try. So if you are not seeing someone with regard to the self-abuse you are inflicting upon yourself, perhaps this is something you might consider.

I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find that place of deep peace that resides within each one of us...