Physical and verbal abuse from my older brother. I had a flinch response to him as I grew up, because he liked to attack me out of the blue. Walking down the hallway he would suddenly deck me hard in the head. Sometimes I would throw up afterward. He'd punch me anywhere, for no reason, I could never know when it was coming. It was an everyday thing.

We had a single working mom and no dad, and she couldn't stop him. She would just break down into tears and scream STOP over and over if she were home and witnessing it.

He beat down so many doors in so many apartments, we were evicted from for noise complaints and had to move every year. I can remember leaning against the back of so many of those doors while he tore them apart and I knew the hinges were coming off and I had no where to go. Terror.

I didn't have a name to him, except Fat**** or Fatass, Piece of ****, or ******.

The hardest part is that as as adults, we don't talk about it. We have this strained, silent relationship, as if it were all over. But I remember everything. When I am around him, I constantly 'check' myself for irregularities, for anything that might be offensive to him. I control the way I speak and I never, ever disagree with him about anything. I play aloof and goofy, because in some way, I want him to love me. I want him to think I am good, or worthy, or something. I don't trust him, but I do things for him like give him money for his drug addictions because I can't stand to see him in withdrawal and in pain.

When he's high, he will hug me or call me bro or show me things like how to fix a truck, and the whole time I am torn between wanting to enjoy it, and wanting to walk away and sob because I'm so confused.

I read through so many replies here and I relate to the discomfort of being around our abusive siblings. I'm sorry I wrote so long, I have never talked about this. I am sorry we all had to endure this. It seems we have each other, though.