I feel like I'm in a situation where I cannot do anything right and whatever I do it upsets someone. My friend is trying to get me to stop the SI and drinking and is urging me to get some help. I see my T on wednesday and my care coordinator next monday. Apparently this isn't soon enough. She thinks I'm gonna hit a vein or something, she thinks I cut too deep. I'm not going to, I know what I'm doing.

She keeps telling me what I'm doing isn't what "normal" people do. Yeah I get that...but it's normal for me and has been for the last 11 years..it's not something I can just stop overnight and to be honest I don't feel ready for that. I actually thought I had beaten it and everything seemed possible. Like literally felt like I could achieve anything I wanted.

My mood has crashed now though and with that all my positivity has disappeared somewhere out of reach. Now I feel like I will never stop, that this will just be me for the rest of my life..

So I've been trying to hide it from my friend. But she hates liars so if she then finds out the truth it upsets her. If I'm open about it then that also upsets her. The only way I can avoid upsetting her is by stopping and I just can't.

I am just so tired of life. Sorry for the ramble, I just feel stuck and don't know what to do anymore