I did the same thing.

I was resisting. How could I "play happily" when all I saw of my childhood were the horrible things. How could I let that "inner child" do anything fun when it was ALL HER FAULT? No one cared about her and she was forced to grow up early and being "a child" was like being "a baby" and that was just pathetic.

It took me a long time to realize the poor little thing had no control. I had to clear a lot of crap away before I could play. I had to stop resisting.

I was afraid to tap into anything other than the hurt.

The hurt was familiar.

Happiness was terrifying.

Edited to add-- You're trying too hard."