Hello cryingontheinside: Yes, I have some experience with this sort of thing. Over the years I spent thousands of dollars on "stuff", trying to fill the void within. I cringe to think about how much money I wasted over the years!

There's a TV series running now on the Public Broadcasting System in the U.S. titled: "The Brain with David Eagleman". Two segments have already run. In this week's segment Eagleman's subject involves how much of who we are is actually under the control of portions of the brain to which we have no conscious access. Something is driving you to spend money you, perhaps, can't really afford to spend, or at least don't want to spend, as well as to think about doing drugs again, & to feel like a complete failure. Obviously, therapy is one possible answer to this. I presume you're well aware of this as an option already.

Personally, I am a believer in acceptance. In my view, allot of the grief we cause ourselves results from our holding ourselves, as we are, up against some paradigm that reflects who we imagine we should be. On the other hand if we can simply come to accept ourselves as we are in the moment then, at least I have found, allot of our inner misery gradually drops away. This does not mean we must stay as we are now permanently. We can build on who, or what, we are now. But being able to accept ourselves as we are now, in the present moment, is the foundation for future growth. I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find that self-acceptance, as well as the inner peace that results therefrom...