One thing that is very important but can be very difficult to learn, is how to distinguish between symptoms of a mood episode, and reactions to emotional abuse. Because both can be happening at the same time, and both can make you feel similarly awful and disoriented.

To me it sounds like your husband is emotionally abusive. It also sounds like you have had some episodes that included out of control behavior. However, emotional abuse will make mental illness symptoms a thousand times worse, and can also provoke and exacerbate out of control feelings and behaviors.

It not at all unusual for dysfunctional people to attract other dysfunctional people, especially in romantic context. This can often create a very painful and complicated situation, where before you can work on yourself, you have to start protecting yourself from people who provoke and exacerbate your struggle.

I was once in a relationship with a guy who was emotionally and verbally abusive, and would push my buttons and take jabs at me until I would completely lose my ****, and then my behaviors would be far worse than his when I snapped. The result was that I felt emotionally and mentally beaten up all the time, but I was the one who always looked bad and felt guilty. Having been through that sort of nightmare, I can't help but advise anyone else in it to seriously consider therapy and the possibility of running for their life.