Quote:
Originally Posted by starfruit504
"If you want nothing to do with me, stop taking my money." I've heard that before!
It sounds like she's manipulative and controlling. I come from a similar household and it was very important to my father to be involved in my finances, whether that meant paying for my phone, my insurance, *giving* me a car (but it was in his name). Some parents want to keep their kids helpless so they'll need them. They might even complain that the kid is a freeloader or too dependent, but it's a situation of their own making, they love to play the martyr and complain while also making sure you can't sever ties with them (they must know they're terrible to be around).
I tend to agree with the social worker, too, because he/she is a third party with a lot of information. It's not like they go doling out that kind of advice to everyone. Something must be amiss.
I understand where you're at. I had that "last tie" to sever before I was free. It was the car. I had to save up money for 6 months in order to afford to buy a used one and it was torture having to wait that long.
You will be free. Just be patient with yourself. It's not you're fault you're in this position and you're taking all the necessary steps to get yourself to a better place.
It's horrible that she won't give you your space. It's just more evidence that she doesn't have appropriate boundaries and doesn't respect yours. I understand if you lose your temper with her. All I can say is, don't get physical!
I changed my phone number and blocked my father from my email. He has my address, but he lives 1900 miles away. Hasn't shown up on my doorstep yet. If you say you want to move out of state, I'd support that decision. It's a relief knowing I'll never leave the house and run into the narcissistic miser.
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I've mentioned the whole "mental abuse" thing to my mom, and she just ells me that they haven't heard her side yet, and once they do, they'll have no sympathy for me, especially since she's richer and smarter and has documentation for how much I've leeched off her, or something like that. The thought of it terrifies me, and yes, it makes me doubt my own perceptions. Like I said, what if I'm some kind of sick narcissist trying to get attention and sympathy, when I'm actually hurting everyone around me? I had a thread a little while ago about how my mom basically had a breakdown after I left, how she's had multiple mental health emergencies and has been in and out of therapy in the last few months, due to the shock of my up and leaving...that it's my fault basically.
Over the last few years I kept wondering why my mom never taught me little life skills. She insists she did, I just refused to learn, or she expected me to learn by watching. Or, she didn't want to be one of those parents who raises their daughter to be a housewife, so she figured I could learn to cook and clean when I had to (to be fair, I did pick up some things about self-care, especially cooking).
I've never gotten too physical in the past. We've had minor physical altercations, usually not more than slapping or hair-pulling (always her on me though, I've honestly been too afraid of what she might do if I ever hit her. Hell, I once tried to push her out of my room because she had woken me up every couple hours throughout the night and I just wanted to sleep...and she threatened to break my arms when I pushed. while my mental health was on the decline I would throw massive, screaming tantrums that included self-harm that was, frankly, turning aggression on myself. It seems kind of pathetic: I want to slap you but I can't do that, so I'll just bash my own head with a door).
The idea with boundaries seems to be if you're a useless deadbeat, or otherwise a dependent, you don't get boundaries. My house, my rules. If I want to wake you up in the middle of the night to talk about nothing, or ask you to find something for me because I keep weird hours, there's nothing you can do about it since you don't even pay to live here. She talked a while ago about my moving back home, saying that now that I'm a working adult I would "need my own space"...I'm sorry, why didn't I get that before?
I can't help but feel like I'm something of a scapegoat at times. Some of the things I've heard from my mom - you living here is so awful it drives me to drink, I can't sleep normal hours because at night is the only time I'm certain of where you are and what you're doing, I'm having a breakdown because of your leaving.
I'll be honest, I feel infantilized. I have for a long time. Even little things, like how when I lived at home, one of my mom's gripes was that I don't say good morning to her, or how if I left the house I was expected to leave a detailed, time-date-stamped note explaining where I was, what time I left, and when I would be back. My mother insists I'm not street smart and can't handle myself. During those years at home post-dropout, I told someone online about the kinds of things she claimed would happen to me if I left - this person said they fell into the "terrorizing" form of emotional abuse. Things like how if I went to a shelter, I would be beaten and raped and have everything I own stolen within the first 24 hours (I lived in a shelter for 4 days and the worst thing that happened was I got scolded for lying down on a couch), or that if I found a job, my coworkers would beat me half to death if they caught me reading during a break (my mom is ridiculously classist and it's always frustrated me. Her explanation for illogical things like this is "That's what those kinds of low-life people do. They hate anyone that's different"). Insane stuff that makes no sense.
She claims she didn't want me to remain at home, but to follow a respectable path, go to college or training, or get a proper job. Not run away, take welfare for several months before begging my way into a job.
Sorry to ramble there, guess I'm just letting thoughts pour out.
And yet there's still a back-and-forth emotionally. She'll be calling me a ***** and a loser in one phone message and telling me she loves me and is worried in another. I've gotten this for years, a seeming push-and-pull of care. Coupled with mood shifts it always worried me....though I should probably mention my mom has recently been diagnosed (at last!) with a form of bipolar disorder. That's basically gone untreated her entire life - though I'm not sure if that plays in. Neither of us are healthy, mentally.