Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes
Suicide and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
When I first joined PC, I was becoming very suicidal. I have made an effort to try to describe how PC looked to me when I joined because I had never done anything like PC before.
This article talks about fear of being let down by individuals that are supposed to help you. Well, it was not something I imagined, it really was what did happen to me. Also, unfortunately so much trauma took place where I also live that I was being triggered constantly and I did not understand that at the time at all. The other thing that challenged me is that the individual/individuals responsible for the trauma I experienced continued to invade, especially when I was alone.
I became dangerously suicidal because I really had no one helping me at all. And everyone around me was insisting I "just forget and just deal and just, just, just".
The one thing that did help me was coming across a thread about having these suicidal episodes, that was so important to me because it was only place I was exposed to individuals that were talking about what I was going through. Then, I got lucky in that I came across a vet who told me to pay attention to how it's like a wave that comes in, hits hard, then eases off. That really saved my life because I was having so many of these episodes and when I did try to talk about it the response from my husband was anger and even "go ahead then".
When this vet told me to pay attention to these episodes and see how they come, crest, and ease off and go away, I did pay attention and I dealt with that ALL ALONE. I hung on to recognizing I would get a break and that I could manage it. It was the hardest thing I ever experienced in my entire life, and I have experienced some big challenges in my life including almost dying and having my body completely opened up and healing from that was a huge challenge and I also had to learn how to accept that horrific scar too. It really was horrible looking for a very long time too.
What I want to say about this part of the PTSD challenge is that as one gets help and the right support, it eventually does slowly go away. I did battle this horrific stage for several months. I always say to others that I meet here, PATIENCE is so important, and I know that to be true. For a very long time I did hover over this forum because I knew how dangerous this stage was and how crucial it is to have support for it. And, I have helped others who were struggling in this stage and really did need that support with it.
Today when I met with my therapist, I told him that I can still be challenged at times with something I call criss crossing. What happens with that challenge is I can be in a scenario and hear or see a phrase or comment that triggers me to reply but I reply in a way where I am dealing with whatever that trigger is that I experienced in a different past situation. To my relief my therapist said YES, this does take place with PTSD, this is NOT YOUR FAULT.
I said, the problem is that I tend to get punished for it and it makes me want to retreat/avoid and I have been trying to find a way to say, "sorry, I just did a criss cross" and I am not aware of it when I do this. However, if I am helped with it when it does happen, I can actually learn a lot from it. The only way I can gain on these scenarios is by looking at what triggered it, and thinking about how that did happen in the now, but also at other times where I was actually "hurt" by it.
I do not know "why" my brain/mind does this and others notoriously react badly when it happens too. What I have learned is that if it does happen and I can see what it connects to and acknowledge it, the chance of it happening the same way again lessens.
I think it is important to understand that our brains do store things in ways we do not realize, and often these memories are stored in areas of the brain that don't have language. Working on healing through PTSD, is learning to be patient with it and that the healing actually happens in "little pieces'. Experiencing a PTSD cycle is really not anything others will understand either, and it is important that one try to find some support with individuals that do understand and have the ability to offer support that actually helps the healing and gaining on PTSD happen.
|
I am in Israel this year--getting a Master's Degree in
Holocaust Education. I have had nightmares about the Holocaust
for 30 years. They began at age 13. I wasn't born Jewish.
At any rate--prior to the nightmares--I was molested/ raped by a male
physician from ages 3-10.
I'm a professor who is on sabbatical this year--so, I have become
the student once again...I don't have the option of dismissing class
whenever I have a PTSD attack. I would compare it to a hotflash
that hits like a bomb out of nowhere.
I had my first one in the Holy Land last Friday at Shabbat dinner
and service with the Rabbi on campus. He was hosting dinner for
all international students that wanted to come. About 60 showed up.
Directly during dinner I began having a PTSD attack.
I wasn't thinking about the doctor molesting me.
It just hits without warning.
By the time the dinner ended, and I made it back to my dorm room--
I went through a roll of toilet paper crying, with the attack
dragging on for another 2 hours. No amount of reading,
praying, talking, walking--or any type of activity shuts it down.
It seems to takeover my life like an emotional roller coaster
which simply has to wear off.
The doctor stopped molesting/ raping me 33 years ago.
The attacks have never quit.
The Rabbi and his wife invited me over to their home for Shabbat dinner.
This is very typical for campus Rabbis to do.
I want to go...but am so afraid I am going to have a PTSD anxiety attack
and have a major meltdown in his home. I really try my best to stay
away from socializing situations. People innocently trigger my attacks.
I have had 2 failed marriages--each lasting only 2 years.
Every time I try to be in an intimate relationship?
During intimacy--the person I am with triggers my PTSD--
and they turn into the doctor...molesting me and raping me all over again.
I didn't know that PTSD had a name during my first marriage.
But, when my second marriage failed & the same things were happening
with my attacks...I knew that it was me..and NOT the person I was with.
After my second marriage failed, I shut down completely.
I haven't been on a date since, and it's been a decade.
I don't know how to fix what is wrong with me.
My Rabbi is also my therapist.
(He has all of his degrees in psycho therapy/ and has his own
private practice). I've been in therapy with him now for about a year
and a half. He is the only therapist who has been able to get
my Holocaust nightmares to stop.
However, I do not think the PTSD anxiety attacks will ever end.
It totally sucks...because they have destroyed all of my chances
of ever having a relationship with anyone.
I hope there is a forever hell for people who sexually abuse children.
And if there is--I hope that doctor who molested me?
Is in it--and that his hell is 50,000 times worse than mine.
He's already dead...so I hope the devil keeps him under lock and key!