(((Canders)))
I am so sorry you are struggling so much. Have you ever taken DBT. I learned much stuff that helped. The urge over time lets up considerably, but I don't go more than two weeks with at least a thought.

try collageing your feelings or even what you want to fell with words cut out of books magazines newspapers old mail junk. Use saftey sizzors and a glue stick. (If severe urge just tear out the words) It helps me to focus on what I want to feel.