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Nat92 · Oct 27, 2015, 12:50 AM

So, it's been quite long since I've been on here, I don't know why, but I guess it's because I haven't needed it? Anyway, a lot has happened since the last time I wrote. And I'll try to keep it short or as short as possible without leaving a million holes.

Bear with me please.

My ex messaged me back in May, after we split in December, just before his birthday (that wasn't cool, I know) and I of course replied and we started to talk again. I found that it was best if we stayed friends, which worked out okay. We talked constantly over the summer and sometime around August we picked up the pieces of our relationship and started to move towards meeting up again. We planned for September, but I fell ill and something came up, but I didn't tell him. My parents were struggling to pay the bills, I found several notices about overdue payments, which was like a boulder falling onto the road, blocking it.

I decided to help them out and that kinda meant not meeting up with my boyfriend. I told him I couldn't meet him because I was sick, because the last thing I wanted to do was to drop off my problems like in the past (in the past my problems used to overwhelm him) - he got upset, we argued and days later he kept digging for the truth. I told him and he said he understood.

Another week went by and he started to tell me that he wanted me to be more open, tell him about what's bothering me. I told him about the bills and such and he just told me not to worry about it, not to stress, to stay positive and not let it bother me. But how could I not let it worry me? I had to work overtime for a while to help my parents and with a pregnant sister on top, there was loads to do and I kinda pushed away from my boyfriend, a bit distracted I'd say, but I wasn't ignoring him. Almost every day I told him I loved him and that he was important to me, that he was the light of my life - but sadly, it wasn't enough.

Saturday he messaged me late at night, asking what was going on with us and late afternoon I replied. He texted me back and said he wanted a break. My heart shattered into a million pieces. This was the most hurtful word coming second to 'breaking up' - the only person in my life wanted a break from me. He said I had been distant and that he thought I needed time to sort out my things, then he'd consider getting back together when things had been worked out. It didn't make any sense, how could one fix distance with more distance?

I claimed to understand, because I somewhat did but also because he's the type who decides things like this and there's no going back. "Thank you for respecting my decision" he said and I didn't hear a word from him until last night.

He was making casual conversation, or trying to but I didn't take. I explained my side and once more apologized and emphasizing the importance of his presence in my life. But just like before, all he saw was black, utter black, darkness and all the bad. He accused me of lying, bringing up the past, he said he thought he did what was best for me (without even asking me? without even taking into account what I had said) - he made it an ultimatum, that I should walk away or accept his decision - so I walked away, leaving a long message about what he had just done.

He thought I'd be better off alone with my problems? Fine, I said. Let's see if he's right. And then I blocked all means of contact.

I'm not sure I am better off and I have no idea what snapped inside him. Something triggered it and just like before, he decided things on my behalf, without listening to reason. I know this is the end for us and now there's no going back, no second chances, nothing.

We had tried over and over to make things work, but I can't do it anymore, however, now I fear the consequences of this. He was the only person I felt comfortable talking to, the only one who accepted me for who I am, my only true friend.

And now he's gone.

The next few months will be tough, heck, the next few years, because I'm alone again and I really don't know how to move on...