I have a doctor's appointment (just a physical checkup) later this morning, and I'm going to ask her if she can refer me to a psychiatrist. I'm becoming progressively afraid of the possible bipolar diagnosis. Part of me wants to "turn back now" and leave it as it is..call it "depression" and continue struggling as I have..but I don't want to get worse, either. During the times I feel happy, I feel I've just "willed it all away" and got better through sheer determination..but it never prevents the inevitable crash back down into hopeless depression. It's prevented me from functioning normally for so many years. I make videos on youtube, and I'm fairly popular (I don't want to give away my username as I'd like to keep these two identities separate). People will ask me why I haven't uploaded in a while, and I can't just say "sorry, I was too busy trying to convince myself life has a purpose again" when I was perfectly fine just even the week before. People ask why I don't draw much...well, my motivation is as inconsistent as my mood. Of course those two things are some of the least of my worries..but affected by my emotional roller coaster nonetheless. This turned into a slight rant, but I guess now that I'm finally going to a doctor, I've been getting very anxious. But don't get me wrong...I really do want and need help. I won't be matched with a psychiatrist right away, but this is one step closer to it.