HumptyDumpty, i feel for you. I understand what you are saying. Where I live if you even mention thoughts like that to anyone the police automatically remove you from your home and lock you up against your will. Most people don't talk to each other because of it and they isolate making it worse for themselves. Find a few friends that you can talk to. I mentioned to my therapist that i felt like i had nothing to live for. She automatically drilled me about the big S. I said i am going through a divorce and feel a great sense of loss. You have to be careful how you word it. I think all the advice the others have given you is the best i have heard and i agree with them. Your emotions are conflicting are they not? You just need the help to sort them out. You are a level headed person and you will work through this. If you have available to you a peer support group go for it. They are wonderful. It is like us but in person with others who suffer with the same issues. I hope this helps. blessings.