I am struggling with my own identity. I have been having scary thoughts, like what will happen when I die. Even if i am very old. I am not religious, and i find no comfort really in much. I find that I am so isolated, even though on paper i have a ton of friends and family. I am so stuck. I feel trapped in my own mind. I am starting DBT therapy and classes i know i need to be patient.

Yesterday, my dad (he is my boss) seems to be throwing so much at me work wise, he has a lawsuit w/ his biz, and sends it all my way to deal with (much of it). yes i work for him, this stuff is partly my responsibility but lately i want to run away or break my phone so i dont have to see his emails.

I am so angry at everyone too. I know i need to stay calm. I am PMSing as well, that might be part of the problem. everything seems terrible right now. I dont even like cuddles and hugs from my BF... I have been behaving (not raging) and instead- dealing w/ my own emotions, maybe this is why i am so damn upset? Confronting feelings for the first time. Like instead of being mad at my dad/boss or self-centered mom, i might have picked a fight w/ my BF or freaked out in another way, or self-sabotage. Lately, I am trying to take responsibility for my own emotions. I read recently a great book saying "MY anger is my anger, not his/hers. Im the one feeling it. Im the one responsible for the safe expression of it". I think i need to find a way to express. (what i am doning partly here). Smoking, drinking dont count as good coping skills do they? (I kid... sort of). Cooking and working out- i can do more of. Hobbies. et..... I think i can get through this- its really hard though.