Hi Lima01. I'm right there with you. My life is a mess. I have numerous psychological and physical ailments that have caused me to be on disability. This has only succeeded in giving me more time to stare at the walls, smoke (three packs a day), and beat myself up. I'm never so low that I can't make myself lower with a few negative thoughts. For a long time, while I wasn't suicidal, I just didn't care whether I lived or died. I even felt that I'd be doing the world a favor by "checking out". But then I started learning about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Yes, depression is a serious health condition that can't just be wished away or gotten over. But the negative self image and the verbal self abuse is like a bad habit. The way you break the habit is to reinforce a stronger self image. Before that little voice in your head has a chance to trash talk you or make you believe something and everything is your fault, you need to say (out loud if you can) "I'm a good person and this event is not my fault!" Every morning and every night, take the time to tell yourself, "I'm a good person, I deserve to be loved, and I deserve to be happy. It's my right and I'm taking control of this." Over time, you will reprogram your brain and your reactions to see that you are indeed a good person and everything is not your fault. I'm still working at it but it is working. Try it. You have nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain.