so here's an ongoing issue i've never revealed to any of my Ts or pdocs when i was in treatment. sounds crazy, but i experience the emotions and some of the associated thoughts of those around me. the extremes mainly, i pick up with out any effort on my behalf. that covers a wide range - joy/sorrow, pride/guilt, hatred/love, fear/bravado...and i get it all at once - i've got no selective filters. i've spent alot of years honing my meditation skilz, and i can block it all out for a time, if i can concentrate, but it's tiring - moreso the more emoters i'm in proximity of, so i avoid crowded areas, and limit my time in cities. driving home, as i get farther out - as the population density decreases - i don't have to work as hard to maintain an inner peace. oh yeah, my home is out in the sticks - gotta have a place i can let my guard down and relax. with just a couple of neighbors, and nice ones who leave me the %#@&#! alone, which i really appreciate. so yeah. either i really am picking this stuff up OR...i really am nuttier than my various and sundry DXs reflect cuz i've never fessed up to this to the ones handing out the labels.

i've done okay. maintained. cuz i'm no puppet - nobodyz in control of me but me, and like tha profile sez, i'm a lunatic, but for the most part i manage to keep a pretty tight lid on it.

until the last 5 years or so, when i started suffering a sort of generalized anxiety, and then a couple of years after that the panic attacks, which have been until quite recently totally situational, related to a breakdown of ability to filter out the chorus of emotional babble (or suppress my schizophrenia - take your pick), but are now beginning to occur with no apparent trigger whatsoever. THIS i cannot deal with. my cup runneth over. i'm at the end of my rope. i have to get professional help, much as i loath asking for it.

SO! background given, and bearing in mind that i am an artist and most of the meds i've experienced killed my creativity, and my penchant for paranoia re: getting locked up in the loony bin, tell me kind readers - should i tell the rest of the story when i get help for the panic, or keep quiet about it? sigh.