I want to give up...like…shutting off my emotions kind of giving up. I’m so good at it. So good at becoming cold. But over the years I have realized that putting up those walls affects me negatively more than anybody else…
& I think the reason for that is that I am constantly made to feel like my feelings are not valid. It has been that way since as long as I can remember. Crying was weakness, panic attacks were a sign of insanity, sadness and anger surely meant I was bipolar…and that was the way I grew up. Little did my parents know that I was being molested and raped by my cousin…not that they would care anyway since my mom was constantly manipulative & mentally & emotionally abusive & occasionally physically abusive (something she still denies to this day & makes me feel unwarranted & delusional in “feeling” as if she was…no, I know she was…I know…don’t I?) & cheating on my father, an alcoholic, with his best friend & business partner… my sister absent & addicted to heroin (wearing plastic bags for shoes & impregnated by a man I introduced her to) & now the star of the family…her son took my room & now I’m not allowed to be here, there’s no space for me, no place for me…not that I want to be here, either way… my brother is a 4.0 student but never talks about his feelings…has an entire second bedroom dedicated to his gaming systems…I can’t even stay in that bedroom…although my sister is allowed to reside in the entire fifth-wheel trailer. Yeah, I was a drug addict…so? So was she.
I can’t get over this, it’s tearing me down so much, I’m trying to find other housing, but it’s proven so difficult when I don’t have a car and have no money…and how do I get a job when I don’t have permanent housing & have no clue how much longer I will be allowed to stay at my parents house since they make it so clear on a daily basis that my being here is a VERY TEMPORARY SOLUTION.
I have a friend in Mississippi offering to buy me a plane ticket down there…ahhh, an escape from all of this. Barely. He’s proven to be extremely manipulative and to be very skilled at it, at that.
I just need someone to tell me that my feelings are valid. That I’m not delusional...they're not fake...they are real...they were real. They’re valid…right?

(P.S. YES, I am trying to get in to see a psychiatrist…the soonest they could get me in is the middle of next month, and they require 3-4 psychologist visits before seeing the psychiatrist)