Thank you everyone I appreciate all of your replies.

Trinley...since I got new insurance I am unable to see a psychiatrist until the middle of next month...technically later than that since they require I see a psychologist for 3-4 appointments before I can see the psychiatrist.

Somat...heroin for me too. I've been to rehab 3 times.

AlwaysChanging...I really hope I can get on the right meds soon.

DeeAnna...you make me feel like I am not alone. I don't want to give up either...not relapsing type of giving up anyway...I want to shut off my emotions type of give up...but I know I am the one that is affected negatively the most if I do that...but I'm so good at it...I want to...so bad...I just want to be happy...just want the old me...the me from 5 years ago...I want her back...I don't even know who I am now...I hate myself