Instead of starting a new thread I thought I'd just add to this one... I'll probably be repeating things I've already said in previous posts as I din't re-read the thread before I posted.

Things have been moving along and I am still here. It has been a very rough few weeks. I'm not sure about this depression... It is very strange. I've been in a weird place lately that someone suggested might be mixed, but I'm BP2 (so technically not supposed to get it, but my pdoc said BP2's can have mixed episodes, so I think that criteria is changing).

I'm in a depression that seems to have gone on for over two years now, with only a few hypo weeks (and the odd random day) here and there. The depression has fluctuated from apathetic don't care about anything or take pleasure in anything on the mild end, to desperate raw unbearable suicidal pain.

The past couple of weeks I've been VERY low and feeling desperate. It’s been so bad that yesterday when I saw my pdoc my mood was -7.5 of 10 and he was commenting on how much better I looked. He told me he was really worried about me last week. I was too.

I was very seriously considering suicide. I was justifying why my husband would be better of without me, and I made an actual concrete plan which, ironically gave me a sense of relief and removed some of the desperation. Knowing I have that to go to makes me feel less trapped, and I was able to put it on the back burner and it actually gave me the strength to get through the next few days without having to resort to that horrible act.

To be clear. Right now I am not feeling suicidal at all. That feeling has passed for the moment. But last week I was really wrestling with it, feeling like I didn’t have the strength to go on, and that there was no end in sight. It had become utterly unbearable and every breath seemed like an eternity of pain.

So I’ve had these weeks of depression that is that deep, feeling suicidal and trapped, and I’ve had a lot of energy and have been acting like I’m “driven”. My pdoc wants me to slow down and do less. I’ve never had a depression like this one. I almost always hermit until I come out of it, but this one I’ve been working, riding etc and I’ve been very unstable in my interactions with people. Almost lost my job blurting something out with no filters to my boss.

I often overeat and gain weight when depressed but this time I’ve almost stopped eating and have to force myself and remember to eat, often having to chug glasses of almond milk to get a few more calories in for the day. I’ve lost 25 lbs.

I’ve had panicky outbursts where I’ve thrown things, I’ve been irritable with my husband, I’ve had outbursts. I’ve also had a few hours here and there where I feel artificially happy... like I’m animated and acting happy and giggling hypo, but underneath is depressed.

Last Thursday I cried for hours in the tub. It was raw animal noises and I would have been mortified if anyone else had heard them. I cried so hard I started to black out in the tub and had to slide out onto the floor, then cried there for another couple of hours. I didn’t think I was going to be able to stop.

The next day I cleaned for 14 hours straight. Like a maniac. Scrubbing a floor with a toothbrush and emptying dressers and closets to organize them kind of cleaning, Moving furniture and vacuuming under it etc.

Then I was mostly down for the next couple of days, and my hubby came to help me at the barn on Sunday. I felt slightly better after work that day and Monday was when I saw my pdoc and he thought I looked better.

Monday night I crashed again and felt like garbage and was low and panicky this morning. I was panicking and having a melt down on the way to work because I’m in a panic about my ECT and hospital stay not lining up properly and we have to fly my mom from Ontario to babysit dogs and look after the house while I’m gone.. So I was losing it and yelling that I wasn’t going to go to the hospital at all then etc. Melt down. All the way I had images in my head of driving into other cars but they were just a thoughts with no compulsive feelings.

A couple of hours later I was flying high and hypo, having a great talk with a old friend, but in spite of laughing and feeling happy at the time, I feel extremely anxious and over stimulated now. My skin feels like it’s vibrating on the inside and that depression is lurking there waiting to strike. I have that anxious dread that makes it hard to breathe. Even though it felt happy, it felt artificial somehow, but the feelings were genuine, just that they were layered on top. The happiness felt like a delicate bubble that will burst.

So when someone suggested I might be mixed and I didn’t think I had enough energy to be. But I don’t know. I’m very comfortable calling this an agitated depression and I want out of this episode as soon as I can. It is hell. I’m all over the place. Suicidal one day, cleaning my house top to bottom, walking dogs and riding my horse, blurting everything out of my mouth that flits through my head and having no filters, having melt downs where I break or throw things.

It seems like insomnia is a prerequisite for most people for mixed. I have a great deal of difficulty falling asleep, but once there I stay asleep for my hours. So I'm not sure what's going on with me. All I know is that I am extremely unstable and my mood is shifting quickly and dramatically on the surface, but underneath it all the depression is clawing at my soul.

I'm going to the hospital but not sure when which is hard. I got screwed on the waiting list and my ECT doesn't start back up again till Nov 13 so I'm not sure what is going on.

I'd love to be able to get back to being productive and living my life, and not having it completely revolve around my bipolar.