Hello and thank you for reading this and offering your suggestions. Thoughts:
My S.O and I have been together for 4 years in December. I was 18 turning 19 and he was 20 turning 21. (now 23/25)
We met while we were working at a retail clothing store. We started talking and had an immediate attraction towards each other. He asked me for a date and the rest is history. BUT while we were only talking/dating without a talk about exclusivity, I was still trying to detach and break off my past relationship of 2 years with my “first love” , as soon as I met him I lost interest in my past and broke it off. But there was a mixture of dating both and being intimate with both for about 6 months. I honestly thought he was doing to same so I thought nothing of it. I broke it off and lied to him when he asked me when the last time I saw my ex was ( he had found out I was having sex and tested me to see if I would lie, and I did) we broke up for about 3 months and then we reached out to each other and began dating again. Then we decided to go out with his friends to a rave 3 months later and while I was on drugs, I began to lose control of myself and was spacing out and tripping out, his friend looked just like my uncle and it was causing me to constantly look at his friend (he thought this was rude and cheating which I agree was but I was under drugs and couldn’t function, I even blacked out for 3 hours and came to – when we were arguing about what happened) he forgave me and continued dating for a bit but he couldn’t get over this and broke up with me again. This time again 3-4 months passed and he missed me so we got back together. He said he forgave me and things started off again we were together for about 2 years including breaks at this time) He tried to break up 2x in the 3rd year but I always encouraged us to talk about the past issues ( that are still the issue of why he doesn’t want to be with me) and we stayed together. In June he broke up with me and we decided that would be the last time, we couldn’t keep going in the cycle and after 2 weeks he reached out me confessing he loved me(he only said it 4x to me in the last 3 years ) and how he regretted holding onto the past and he wants me in his life and saw a future with me – meaning marriage) it was everything I had always wanted to hear and agreed to get back together after a 4 hour talk.,.everything I thought was going great! He says otherwise. He was being distant like he used to be, and was choosing friends over me every weekend ( only free time to spend together) I don’t get mad that he parties with his friends, what I get mad at is he cant spare one day for me..like he used to in the past. There is this girl that I know likes him but he says no, and they hung out in his room alone last week , an hour after I left is room!!, I had no knowledge of this until my friend informed me and sent me proof ( the girl posted a snapchat of them together in his room) . I asked and he said that nothing happened, hes allowed to spend time with anyone he chooses ( I agree- just not a girl who I know likes him and doesn’t respect our relationship, she kissed him one night out and he disclosed to me the other day) I was upset and we talked and he said i have no reason to be mad, the only reason I am mad bc I have guilt bc of the past issues ive done to him, he didn’t agree to stop talking to her and we got in a huge fight about him not being able to forget the past and how it still hurts him so much but he loves me and doesn’t know what to do, because he has been trying for 4 years and even when I have showed him how much ive changed and matured( he acknowledge this) and how I only want him and a future with him, its still not enough for him to continue the relationship . we talked for 8 hours straight and said he needed time to think about it (month), and if he decides to stay with me that he will never talk about the past again, but if he chooses not be with my anymore- we had something special and he will have to leave it at that.
Also he says he doesn’t want to be in gf/bf relationship with me: he hurts at our past, he wants to wait to finish his PHD in 5 years to be official, and I get too emotional attached for him and clingy. I told him these were mere excuses and he couldn’t figure out what else to say. Should I stay or should I go? I suggested counseling but he thought that was a silly idea..... i am in love with him and know I can happily be married with him. We are both not abusive with each other, we support each other and laugh together , we truly enjoy our time together but he can't seem to move past. In the first 2 years of the relationship I was always high on weed and severely depressed-suicidal thoughts, he knows this but can't get over the things I did.... What are your thoughts???? I know we are young but I know this is the real deal... when your know..you know