I know you don't want to hear this but- there are medications that can provide you some relief. Is there any way possible you can work with your therapist and pdoc to help you to be able to get to a place where you can take a medicine?

I know the voices in your head tell you bad things will happen - but you're in
such a bad place now, what could be worse?

If you tell them, hey, I CAN NOT take a medicine - maybe they can help you find a way to be able.

At least a trial of medication. I think that is the best route for you to get relief.