Quote:
Originally Posted by NoGreaterLove11
Sometimes I feel completely empty like I'm not connected to my friends or my family. It makes me feel like i should just kill myself because I can't like have relationships or be normal. I'm almost 27 and I've never had an intimate relationship and I feel like it's too late to start now I can't connect emotionally to people the way normal people do. I almost feel like I'm dead inside already. I don't see my life getting any better and it's very hard to think about the future because I don't see myself having a family or being happy and I don't want to live if my life is just going to be the same as it is now.I don't know what to do
|
I was molested and raped from ages 3-10 by a male physician.
I am 44 years old. I have had 2 failed marriages. Neither one lasted
any longer than 3 years.
Every time I try to be with someone in an intimate relationship--
they trigger my PTSD. I start having anxiety attacks during intimacy.
And, the person I am with?...turns into the doctor raping me all over again.
After my 2nd marriage failed...and by then--I knew it was ME
and not the person I was with?...I stopped dating. I have not been on a single
date since my 2nd marriage ended over a decade ago.
Between my 1st and 2nd marriage I fell in love with the most wonderful man.
He was a Vietnam vet. He was 20 years older than me.
And...we were like peas and carrots.
He had PTSD from the war...at the time--I did not know that PTSD
had a name.
Guess what? NONE of my triggers ever went off in the bedroom
when I was with him! Not once...NOT EVER.
I knew...beyond any reasonable doubt that he was in love with me.
While he survived Vietnam...he did not survive the PTSD of it.
He dropped dead of a heart attack 2 months before our wedding.
I have NEVER recovered.
BUT...as my therapist has pointed out--THAT relationship proved to me
that I could have a normal, loving relationship.
Don't give up.
You aren't required to date someone who is "normal."
My therapist is wonderful. Keep searching for one that fits you--
if you haven't found one yet. He has also said that if I do find someone--
they need to be in therapy with me...to understand my PTSD.
He also said...that since my fiancee had PTSD too...that we smoothed
each other in certain situations...THAT is why I never had triggers
with him in the bedroom.
It is much easier to relate to someone who has been abused,
or witnessed horrors.....and has a few issues.
NORMAL people can only comprehend..they cannot understand.