I'm a 'newbie' to PC in this last 2weeks I have posted how I feel under different categories and I'm grateful for all the messages I have received on these posts but then I realised I have so many issues that I'm not sure where's the right place to go:
Not coping with my emotions
Major depression
Bipolar disorder
Obsessive behavior
Jealousy
Anxiety
Low self-esteem
Introvert
Self Injury
Suicidal

Every day for almost 3 years now there something new on my list something I have to change because its not normal behavior! My husband told me last Saturday that he had enough, I'm senile and he can see now why I want to end my life, poor me, I'm so done in by the world and if that is what I want, I must stop saying so and just do It! Saturday night we had a big storm and the storm and I had something in common it was pouring down and so did my tears until all dried up! I dont know if somebody can associate with this but all that went through my mind was that nobody cares about me that everybody, especially my husband and kids will be better off without me! I wrote down on paper all the good and all the bad things about me, the bad won by a long shot!

The psychologist, psychiatrist, pastor, my husband, family etc. everybody tells me that a person choose how they want to be and how you want the world to see you! I must just change my mindset, stop analysing everything, stop feeling sorry for myself and the list goes on! Basically it all comes down to only one thing 'change'!

So there I sat my heart broken and no tears left and then I got this anger over me this anger toward my husband, the doctors, my parents and sister who the hell 'died' and made them God over my life to tell me I'm not right as a human being, what I feel and think and say is not right and that a women of 41 is not suppose to be like this! Again man-made rules according to this 'person' and this 'book' and all the crap we watch there's a perception created of how a man, women, baby, teenager etc must be at a certain age and if you dare to be different you are doomed you are a outcast, there's something wrong!

These few days I really tried to figure out what trigger this behavior 3 years back, where did I fell in self doubt, why am I so pathetic, why do I think I will be better of dead? Yes I'm going to defend myself, I am all these 'bad' things they say because of them/people all I want is to cry on my husbands shoulder even if I don't know why I'm sad, to speak what's on my mind even if it doesn't make sense, to be perfect for my husband and kids even if perfect doesn't exist....., to be normal!

Now 5 days later I still don't know what to do, Why is everything so complicated? My husband did apologise he said he just want me to snap out of this and realise what I'm doing is not right! I told him I don't want to be like this its killing me and I'm destroying everything I fight so hard to keep in my life, his response; so change!

Please I hope there is somebody out there that maybe can relate to the above and help me to understand whats going on, because, honestly I cant go on like this! In my mind I tell myself what to change and what I must do, but its hard if your mind is broken and you lost your way!