Yes! I need to learn better boundaries. I am already taking strides in doing that. I also like structure, however, I am somewhat lucky that I run things myself 100% in the office. It is my own fault that i am unorganized, and im working on that. If anything, working in the P's house was the tough part. Years back, it was in a separate office. I was young, foolish and would get into trouble (not working when i was supposed to). Fast forward, I took over the prior office managers job (she passed away)... and yes, i do battle daily with stuff. However, i also battled in the prior job. At least here, my dad (we have a sort of silent understanding of eachother) seems to have my best interest at heart.

And yes, the rants are helpful, b/c it is a gentler approach to cope i think. I try to limit my email and passive/aggressiveness these days, as that has gotten me into hot water w/ my dad (and uncle - who works w/ us also btw). Uncle can be very toxic as he is a drinker, but at the same time- a very dedicated worker and makes things really happen for the biz. There are alot of resentments between him and my dad however, which i try to smooth over and be as diplomatic as I can.

If anything the job is just a bit lonesome. So, either i think about a way to make it more social or just have more of a social life out of work (the latter is my latest approach)

I think too, the biggest thing to learn: it is not my company, it is not my personal responsibility to take care of these people and to do the best i can at my job, to not take things personally (very hard w/ family biz), not to feel pressured ie: mom comes home from work- insists i take walks w/ her each day.... yea- we did that for the first year or so back, until i realied they stressed me out WAY more then helped me. no more walking! or limited... besides catering to her extremely obsessiveness about walks, eating- or not eating, etc. I have to separate myself from that. it is weird dynamic, where we have learned how to be and when. it is hard for me, i used to be so overly nice and a pleaser.

do i think a change one day might be in order? Likely and i am open to the change, growth... i can push myself when i need to. i was gung ho ready to apply for new jobs a few wks ago when things slowed down. i am proud even that i polished my resume - instead of crumbling apart (i did have some crying and scary moments).

anyway, i am learning so much. I likely also would throw a fit, if i was tossed into this cold- but since i have been exposed to this atmosphere all my life,..... i dont see it that way.

also, i realize that my mom especially has a very weird unemotional relationship with most of us kids (im the oldest, large family). my younger siblings also are slowly realizing the thing that i have been. it hurts and pains me to see them upset.

my sister for ex: moved closer t othe P's to get help and some support. she has 2 little ones, one who is 1 the other 5. And is preg. again! yet, my mom doesnt step in at all! she claims to love kids, works with them... yet- keeps such a distance from my sister and is critical of her parenting.

me- i love the kids and love helping out! she calls me 'grandma' jokingly, b/c i am helpful. i think also, the big protective sister in me feels sorry for her. I hve boundaries, i tell her when i can't help and when i can. she is not scary to talk to like my mom. she understands and is sensetive in the right ways. where as my mom is sensetive in all the wrong ways. only cares about herself mostly. leave us all to figure out life for ourseslves. and, i think my dad sees that esp now that were older.... and i think he realizes how she has issues. i hate how she controls him..

anyhow! omg im sorry so much ranting going on. i must work- and thank you for your help and insights <3