Hello xlz24,
I'm very very sorry you feel so hopeless. That is such a horrible place to be!!
I have also had very similar thoughts. People here have helped me find the courage to face the next day (or even the next hour or 15mins).

I was able to dalay taking irreversible action and now things do look a little better.
I so hope you get the support you need here and find that chink of light to aim for.

I was also helped so much by the Samaritans, they were there for me even when speech was impossible and had all the time in the world. They now have a new free phone number (if you're from Portsmouth UK) a strange one - 116123 and I urge you to use it. If not in uk, there will be similar helplines in your area and they always think you're worth supporting, whatever you say.
I really truly wish with all my heart that a glimmer of hope will find you or you will find it.