Ugh. Just ugh. I had two days last week of feeling better, maybe even a touch hypo, but it was a fluke. I slid right back into this wretchedly dark depression. Now it's been almost three weeks. Which I know is like nothing compared to some of you. So I really shouldn't even be saying anything.

I'm sooooo far down though. Omg I feel like I can't even get off the couch when I get home. I felt like I couldn't even open my eyes this afternoon. Work drains the life out of me. And I'm not even working that much because basically all I can accomplish is throwing a vocab worksheet at the kids and sitting behind my desk, staring into space. I stare in the direction of my computer so it looks like I'm busy but I don't do anything. I feel awful. I hate being like this. My work suffers and my home life suffers.

I'm supposed to go to a concert tomorrow and I want absolutely nothing to do with it. It's my favorite band and I should be super excited but I just want to go home and sleep tomorrow, not be out all night at a concert. But I can't back out; my brother bought me the ticket back in June to cheer me up after my husband died. We've been looking forward to this for months. I bet once I get there it will be great and I'll have a good time. I hope so anyway.

I just started Effexor 37.5mg a week ago. It still has a chance to work. I'll probably go up to 75 on Wednesday when I see pdoc again. I'm holding out hope that it will work at least a little bit. Because my only other option is ect again and I just don't even know how that would work. I'd have to take another month off work, I'd have to somehow arrange transportation again, I'd have to lose my memory and my brain function again. I so didn't want this to go this way. Last time I had it it lasted for six years. Now I can't even get a full year out of it?

Of course circumstances are different. I know I'm being triggered by the season/time change. And majorly triggered because Christmas stuff is out. I can't even imagine facing thanksgiving and Christmas without my husband. Especially Christmas. He loved Christmas. He took such joy in bringing joy to other people. It's so ****ed up that he won't be here to celebrate anymore. So ****ed up.

Sigh...I just needed to get that out. I hope everyone else is doing well. I know there are some here suffering way more than me right now. Hugs to all of you.