Please keep talking here as much as you need to and don't feel guilty about it. I can't imagine what you are going through.

I found Effexor really helpful in the past. I liked it when I wasn't on mood stabilizers although it wasn't good for me then and I liked it again with mood stabilizers but had to quit because of an interaction with another med. I hope that as you get your dose up some it will kick in for you. It sounds like you are doing everything you can, even making yourself get out and try to have fun (which I am never good about when I feel bad for any reason) and that takes so much strength. I admire you for doing everything you have been doing while grieving and caring for a young child and bipolar disorder. You have so much to deal with and you are doing it when so many people would have just stopped trying. You are so strong.