Hey,

I've just 'woken up' to the fact that many people, myself included, seem to be ashamed of who we've become as a result of abuse, which, to be honest, feels horrible and so wrong to me. As if it wasn't enough that we were abused in the first place, we're abusing ourselves for being the way we are even though we were powerless to prevent the damage from being done!

I've been on sick leave since the end of July due to IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) and social phobia. I've got a month left until I have to return to a life of socialising, either get a job or go to school.. I can't even tell you how terrified I am! In all honesty, I don't think my IBS is due to diet or anything else it's usually attributed to - I believe it's part of my PTSD. Or maybe I don't even have PTSD - I simply learned, during the first three, four, five years of my life, that people are scary and not to be trusted, and my approach to life became one of 'I'm never getting close to anyone ever again because I don't want to experience that kind of hurt ever again!' - so I haven't been able to form better, healing relationships either. So now I'm scared to death whenever I have to have any dealings with people at all, which makes my stomach go haywire - hardly employee of the year material, someone who has to spend most of their time in the bathroom..

The thing is, I don't have a choice - I have to get a job to survive! So now I've been reading up on how to not be so scared, how to hide how scared you are, will people think you're crazy if they notice your dread/what if they do/will you get sacked.. I've read countless threads of people saying they're scared people at work or wherever will notice how uncomfortable/afraid/awkward they are and think they're mad. OMG. Why would they? Would they? Do I - no! If I see someone scared, I reckon they've got good reason to be. And yet, I do the same when I'm in social situations - worry constantly about how I'm perceived by others. Or more like, already thinking they're perceiving me badly. WHY? Why would they think less of me? What's 'normal', anyway?

Oh me gosh - I just want permission to be me! I'm this way for a reason, and becoming who I am was out of my hands! Would I have chosen a safer childhood - YES! But I wasn't asked

Love and peace to us all We're PERFECT just the way we are! Doesn't mean we're not gonna make mistakes - we WILL. But we can apologise whomever we've hurt and learn new ways of being - while being PERFECT every second and step of the way