Quote:
Originally Posted by marmaduke
You have a great boyfriend you get on with his family. Move away, start a new life.
My mother lived 5 minutes away but visited me twice in 7 years. She visited my sister, her favorite child twice a week.
That used to hurt.
If I visited her she would chat to me, but, if her 'favorite' daughter happened to walk through the door she'd forget me Totally. I'd disappear. If I tried to speak no one heard me. I was ignored, I was invisible. 
If favorite child, mothers 'golden child' did speak to me it was in a sarcastic, patronizing tone, like she was talking to a rather pathetic idiot.
I spent 40 years yearning for a 'normal' mother. 40 wasted years.
Then I gave up on her, I wish I'd seen the light years earlier. its hard, I did grieve, cried for a long time. Cried for a mother I'd never had, cried for the mother she should have been.
Once I'd truly accepted the situation I felt better because I no longer yearned or waited for her, there was no point. This will sound harsh, for me the woman was dead.
Don't waste your life your energy on these toxic people. |
Wow, I am first off so sorry that you dealt with this!! I struggle so much and can relate to some things you said. I know i painted my mom as a huge *****, she can be and be very difficult. i have thought to myself- one day, if / when i hae kids (more and more i think i do, in fact want them and have a feeling i would be a great mother...) i would totally limit their exposure to her and others...So... why would i continue to expose myself to them?
Shes not a full fledge witch, just can be at times. When we were younger we were on and off, close or very distant. I am immersed in deep throes of therapy dealing w/ this right now .. very intense! and confusing!
Yesterday- sent both parents an email... saying: Here is the link to the restaurant (bf) and i want to treat you to. they both wrote back how it looks very nice. but no suggestion of date. i am happy they care, but where is the commitment. i am their daughter for F sake. my bf is sweet, listens to this- but would we both want to put up w/ this for our whole lives??? he moved to another country across the atlantic so i know he is fearless, which is great quality. He is really the best- super amazing and i am lucky and feel i won the jackpot with him!!!
he says the same for me. (and we are beyong the honeymoon phase, together over 3 years now...)
last night session T pointed out... mother was very detached in her parenting. how i would be a great Mom and be very 'attached'. i pondered that allot. that makes me angry! why didn't i get love from Mom? b/c she didn't get love from her mom... she had close ties w/ her grandma... and oddly- i had close ties w/ mine. Her grandma helped raise her b/c her mom worked, and then she passed when i was born. My M said she never ever got over it, b/c that was like her real mom.... my grandma helped raise me. gave tons of hugs, squeezes pinch cheeks kind of gma. but still was always patronizing of my own mom. this is a cycle of sorts! is dysfunctional, i dont know who to point the finger at. some days i think its YOU mom. others i think its YOU grandma (she since had a massive stroke and is wheelchair bound, not really cognizant anymore)
Part of me yearns deeply these day for kids of my own, to show affection, raise them feeling so loved... provide them an amazing life which i know they would... my BF and i talk of the future it is so exciting! He is from europe, we would raise them bi-lingual, have options to go to school overseas, options for jobs being fluent in multi language... or whatever they dream i would want to support... i am excited thinking of that life, i would give it my all ...
I dont want to divorce my mom or family- not yet and i do think some healthy space would do me good ... my bf and i talk allot of moving away, warmer climate which we both prefer. maybe.. this would be good for us. Fresh start for both.
When i lived one state away- it was kind of a nice comfy distance for me. i felt in a way free. When i recently moved closer... Mom could just say "horray, you will be closer!!" Well mom, here i am! you can not even drive never mind come visit. WTF.
Also, I realized my Mom doesn't know how to love us properly. She only knows how to be needy of more love. and she never gets what she wants, always playing victim... always! She shows her love through gifts, or outings that benefit her. Is gift giving nice- yes! but are hugs and close times better- of course! She can't see what is right in front of her. a whole damn family catering to her. loving her. yet she runs off to the little school, with the little kids who 'love' her. she always brags not how much she loves them, but how much they love her, and hug her. She is so needy! :/ I can go on ...
My feeling is: through these painful thoughts and realizations, things will naturally change. I am not going to push myself into anything over night but rather keep the options open. For whatever!! I have tried to push the RL with my parents, it isn't working. they are dealing w/ lots of change themselves... i need to let life happen. I also feel through DBT and learning better communication puts me in a better position all around, in my RS, in my career life and such. Career- i feel very strongly i can do more with myself make much more $$... i im at a weird age and just no clue what job i would want. i have a considerable amount of freedom right now, that is really hard to give up. though i ***** allot about things, in a lot of ways there are tons of Pros to things. maybe i am being selfish too.... time will tell!!