Hello again everyone.

I'm wondering how to navigate a relational issue which just keeps coming up for me.

Let me give you an example. I recently graduated from a professional program which, as lame as it may sound, is one of the most important things that's happened to me as I'm not married, haven't had a child, and it's taken me years of screwing around (well, fighting through depression and self-doubt) to get myself back to school, let alone graduated. As I said in a previous post, I've worked in my field for years, and have worked with my current coworkers for a few of those. I don't have close family (long story...basically am in contact with a few cousins and have family friends who have been my support system while in school). I have thought of about 5-8 of my coworkers as especially close to me, and quite supportive over the time I was finishing my degree. Even so, I was nervous to invite them to my graduation and reception because I was really afraid of being rejected.

Well...out of the friends and coworkers I invited, over half never showed. Even though they said they would. I know, I know, that happens. However, none of my coworkers showed up, and I had talked to a couple of them via text not an hour before the ceremony who said they were planning to be there. They all had valid (unless they're lying) excuses. They've all been positive, supportive, and uplifting to me. However, this isn't a new scenario. It happened on my birthday this past year as well. And it isn't just coworkers, but let's just stick to them. They will give me positive affirmations ("We're so happy for you!" "You're personality is just too cool...we don't want you to work anywhere else..." "We love you!") but I still feel as though they hold me at arm's length. I feel as though they like me because I do what they ask me to and I'm good at it. I don't feel that they actually know me. They certainly don't invite me to hang out with them, and rarely, if ever, follow through when I reach out to them. I have told myself, well, they probably think you're busy with school, or well, you don't put yourself out there... but I do! And people flake on me, just like with my graduation. Any other time, though it hurt, I've been able to blow it off. But my graduation meant a lot to me, and I ended up at home at 11:30 that night, sitting in my pjs, crying over a beer. Lame.

I feel as though I'm not communicating something I should be. I have struggled pretty hardcore with MI and in the past, people have told me that I reveal too much--you know, people just don't want to hear it, blah blah. And then more recently I've had people tell me that I'm not open at all, that I have too many walls--I mean, that's probably because I don't want to be judged, but now I don't know where the middle ground is. I know that being single and childless at my age already puts me on the outside a little bit, and I think I make an effort to talk to people because I know people aren't just magically going to be my friend. I know I'm a decent, interesting person. And I wonder, with this circumstance, should I be direct about how it made me feel? If I get hired in (i.e. advance), I will be there 3 more years. I know you teach people how to treat you, and I feel that I fail miserably at that. I teach them that I am smart, good, and dependable regardless of what I get in return, I think. And I don't want to constantly feel like I'm trying to sit with the cool kids, to feel like I'm being walked over, or to swing the other way and be irrational because I'm trying to defend myself when there was really nothing to defend.

I feel a little socially awkward. (I am.)