I called him today because I was feeling awful. Stayed home from work today. I left him a msg. at 1 PM. After that, I managed to give myself a little push to get some things done.... some cleaning, renewing my auto registration (which I got pulled over for last week and got 3 tickets-- one for failure to renew registration, one for failure to get an inspection, and to go along with that one, failure to get the emissions testing.... I have been so preoccupied with %#@&#! that I totally forgot all of these things). I also stopped by the pet store and the supermarket. After that I didn't feel like doing any cleaning anymore and I started to get increasingly agitated. Couldn't stop moving. Had to take a Klonopin. At around 6 PM, T calls me back. I tell him a couple of things that have been going on. We talk about safety issues, i.e. making sure I get my *** to his office tomorrow at 5 PM and not doing anything stupid tonight. But other than that, he really didn't say much. So I started to hate him. When we hung up the phone I felt 72 times worse than before.

There was no empathy. Sometimes he's so empathic over the phone. There are times in the past in which I have experienced a very deep connection with him over the phone. Not this time.

We have covered this before. I have told him, "You are not the most empathic phone person, but sometimes you are very, very good." He agrees.

When I told him I was so agitated that I couldn't stop moving, he made sound. Sort of like a "pssshhh.." Hard to type a sound over the internet. The sound was really the only empathy that occurred during the conversation. Because it was one of those sounds where if it could talk it would have said, "Wow.... now you're going through that, too? That's %#@&#! hard." So I appreciated the sound. Unless, of course, I'm completely misinterpreting it, and he suddenly had a stuffed nose and was just trying to breathe or something.

There is so much going on in my head right now. Check this out:

-Yesterday I went to Atlantic City with my great aunt. I knew that under no circumstances, did I have the extra money to gamble. I ended up blowing a couple hundred dollars.
- My dad called me today saying that he got a message from Hyundai (because he's the co-owner of my car from when I bought it a few years ago) saying that I was behind on a payment. I have to take care of that tonight.
- I just got a message on my cell phone from my company saying that I am late on a payment.
- Car insurance is due
-All other bills are coming in.
-Gotta get my car inspected then straighten out the stuff with all the tickets I got.

Am I %#@&#! nuts? What am I doing throwing money away in Atlantic City when I am only working part-tme, and have all of these expenses? I just had a very, very close call last week in which my bank account was overdrawn. Luckily I was able to deposit my tax return check, and then got paid the next day... And now I have %#@&#! up again.

I have no impulse control, whatsoever. I have done worse in the last couple of weeks, too, that I haven't even mentioned on here.

So now I see T tomorrow and I hate him. I loved him like, 2 hours ago. The connection, the CD, the "of course I think about you between sessions," the little typed out paragraphs of attachment theory..... And now I hate him.

Borderline character organization? Yeah. I'd think so.