When I went on SSDI I began a journey to rid myself of thoughts I felt were causing me problems(or so I thought). Notably anger, resentment and lack of forgiveness to my family. I thought I worked it out as I rarely focus on those thoughts anymore. In 2003 - 04 when the dot com bubble burst I was unable to get a decent paying job and did a lot of temp work. I began to say out loud that I was a failure and continulously told myself I was a horrible sinner. I also began losing interest in my hobbies etc. Diet began to suffer as well. All my life I've had a lack confidence, lack of motivation, shame and a guilty conscience. I made the error of "coming out of my closet" in 1978 which sent the parents ballistic. In hindsight, I wish I never told them. They sent me packing after my dad threatened to "put me thru a brick wall". My sexual ID is no longer a big deal because I have nothing to do with gays or sex(in fact I sort of loathe them and consider most of them to be shallow and very narrow minded). I also thought once this ended my guilt, shame etc would wane.

So today my anger is simply: I cannot sleep. No somnolence, never tired. However I am beginning to think that after 40 years of being on the defensive and arguing within about how I was treated and who I am I may have altered my patterns of thought. I have become extremely cynical which gets worse. I have no idea about the future and do not want to live past 65. I had hoped I'd be dead by now. Due to religious reasons, suicide is a hard choice but a plan is in place and I have a Power of Atty. I might still have the same anger, resentment etc. issues as before but they are not in the forefront perhaps just buried. Some MD's say it's organic but as there is no proof I cannot bring myself to accept that. Well, for now that is all I can say. Thanks for listening.