I know, I bear with you.
Depression is recurrent and chronic.
But let me tell you something: when I got a BAD episode I decided to start meds and therapy. Then I found myself in the crap again, like you are now and I was disappointed. But it gave me further energy in the therapy (when the episode was over, of course) and I realized that I was living a life that sucks, and I started fixing it. Everytime I have a crisis I know I have more to fix.

So probably your life sucks too. I mean that you don't have reward for your efforts, you don't get pleasure from relationships, you don't feel good at the end of the day. You must fix this, and you can. You must do it when you are high (when you are down you can only resist the pain). That way the crisis will be less intense, less frequent, and they will make some sense, ultimately.

The best of luck!