I have struggled with depression for 30 years. I have tried multiple drugs and have spent years in therapy. For many years, the combination of drugs and therapy kept me functioning (ie going to work, raising kids, somewhat participating in my marriage and limited social activities) with only periodic periods of severe episodes and significantly impaired function. However, beginning about 5 years ago now the meds just stopped working and within a few months I basically stopped functioning...more and more each week, month.. until about 3 years ago when I stopped doing really anything. Although I have tried a few medications during this time, the anhedonia I have felt has been so extreme that I think of myself like a zombie. I stopped seeking medical care because one my insurance changed and having to review 30 years of history with doctors is tiresome. They either are arrogant and don't listen or seem put off that I don't want to try what I know doesn't work or they hear certain terms and freak out and think that I am med seeking.. It just isn't worth the frustration and honestly the huge disappointment. I barely get out of bed to bathe let alone to get dressed, drive somewhere, wait, bare my soul and beg someone for help who doesn't want to or doesn't know how to help me. The problem is of course, Im living in groundhog day and I have been for years. I have no job, no friends, I maybe bathe once a week, I don't hardly get out of bed let alone out my front door. I do have a husband that I have a non relational relationship with not that this makes any sense and I still have a teenager at home which is really horrifying. Ive tried explaining things to them, particularly my husband but he is not interested in being supportive and its not my daughters place. So anyway, I do of course think of ending things every day. But Ive done that for most of my life on a regular basis. Its just that now my world has become so small that there is no distraction. Even alcohol doesn't help which is unfortunate and yes Im aware that it is not an effective treatment. Sometimes I just don't want to feel so trapped in my own head. Anyway, if anyone has anything to tell me. Im here.