Hi, I didn't see this post till today. How are you now?
I really hope you have been able to stay safe. If not, what you did is understandable, even though you know it doesn't help long term.
I am also prone to use pain to contain my distress and am working hard to break the addiction.
I hope you are able to find some hope and soon. Best of luck as you look for a way forward, or whatever you choose to do. Many of us know the temptation and really feel for you.