I went to church with just my kiddos this morning (they were in kids church so I was alone) and heard laughing outside the sanctuary. I am almost certain the laughing wasn't real. Then I became incredibly paranoid that someone was going to come and shoot up the kids church. I know my daughter would stand up for her devotion to the Lord and I would be proud, but she would be dead. I cried during worship and tried to stay but couldn't. I left and sat by a desk near the steps to the kids church guarding it and texting my husband who encouraged me to just leave early. I did. I was so proud of myself for confiding in my husband about how I was thinking and feeling because I am always so isolated and tell him nothing. He was very nice to me when I got home. He said is your medicine making you tired. You should lay down and take a nap for an hour. When I had trouble waking up in an hour, he turned into a MONSTER. He started yelling at me, screaming in my face about how I don't even try...about how I do nothing at all around the house. My mom says he doesn't try to be mean to me but that he is just as scared and confused about my illness as I am and I understand that. But, it doesn't make his behavior any easier. I want to crawl in a hole and die. I am now taking 7.5MG of Haldol, 20 MG of Abilify, 2.5 MG of Klonapin, and 600 MG of Lamictal, almost back to what I was. Despite this, I still have psychotic symptoms, racing thoughts, and total isolation from my family.