Hey guys sorry for my late reply! Im feeling a lot better actually after I was finally able to cry about everything It was really weird... especially after not having been able to cry for years and years, I just broke at some point after hearing a song. But I felt so relieved afterwards! Your comments helped me to not keep blaming myself for the situation, which I have been doing since it happened. I now know that he was the one being wrong and abusing my innocence.

I've actually discovered something really disturbing too when I last saw him... It looks like he was/is also abusing my younger (gay) brother! I saw it when we were all sitting on the couch together, that he sits really close to my brother (like almost lying on top of him) and he had an erection! I was soo disturbed by this view and when he noticed it, he pulled away from my little brother and tried to hide his ****. I also often see him 'ride' my brother for fun and making these moaning sounds. I have later asked my little brother about it and he responds kinda vaguely that it must be because he (my older bro) doesnt have enough sex and just want to be playful, which I thought was a very odd answer. I am not sure if I should ask more questions about it or even tell my own story to him, because he clearly didnt wanna talk about the subject... I also think if I tell my own story, our whole family will fall apart and it just started to get a bit better between us My older brother is not happy with himself at all and tries his hardest to enjoy life again, I even feel when our stories would come out, he might actually do something bad to himself... I would never get over the guilt when that would happen!

I have informed talking with a psychologists but my insurance doesnt cover it and I am still a student so have no income to pay for sessions... I should have a job in February so I can start by then, but I don't know what to do until then