I think I'm slowly moving into the acceptance phase in terms of the weight gain.

When I went to buy clothes for my new job recently, I had no idea what size I was anymore, and had to find out by trying stuff on. It was the first time in all my life that I ever needed anything with an "XL" label. I was kind of stunned in a numb way standing there in the store, when the "large" belt wouldn't go all the way around my midsection, and then when I slowly tried the extra-large belt and it only fit me with a couple inches to spare. I was just shocked, like it couldn't be real. I also needed new underwear and knew that my next size up would be a U.S. size 8 for women's underwear, and the package had "XL" written on it. I honestly did not feel like I am an "extra large" but I guess I am, just lacking self-awareness because of how suddenly it has happened.

After that experience I think it's slowly been sinking in that I am now officially "fat" and I do feel more apathetic and accepting about it, for some reason. Like it's a battle that I have lost, since I was so afraid of becoming this big, but now I have, so the battle is over and it's time to move on. A feeling sort of like that. Almost feels like a new part of my identity, like I am a stereotypical introverted, fat nerd, who enjoys spending my evenings off in sweatpants, eating pizza rolls and playing World of Warcraft. And that's alright.

However my pdoc gets really worked up about weight gain in her patients, so I am sure she will make a fuss about it next session.