I'm having major issues this evening as well. I shared my testimony (from my teenage years) on a popular video Bible study and I can't find it anywhere. I believe sharing my testimony in such a way was the start of all my problems but my mother believes that I shared my testimony while already unwell. I'm not exactly sure which is true. Anyway, I searched the entire house for it and cannot find it and wanted to share it with my therapist. To buy it again, I would have to buy the entire Bible series which would cost $56. I have no idea why I want it so much. I always said, after watching it a few times and sharing it with a few who wanted to see it, that I would never watch it again because every time I watched it it made me sick to my stomach. It discussed my struggles with cutting, severe depression (bipolar disorder that I didn't believe existed), and spiritual warfare, among other things. Amazingly enough, I believed that the Lord had healed me from all of these struggles and changed my life, but now, I struggle with all of these things once again. I wanted to share this testimony with my therapist. She is a christian, in my church, and knows of the Bible study but has never seen my testimony. I'm not even sure I know why I want her to see it. I can read her my testimony out of the book as it is there too but it is in much less detail there. I guess the major issue is I was a liar when I was younger and I am always scared to death to admit that to people for obvious reasons. I am no longer such but it worries me that I will be shut out from someone's life or trust because of it.

But, on the plus, these drugs are making me feel tired and perhaps I'll sleep tonight. I just want to cry and cry.

Tonight, here is my obsession:

Pearl Jam - Black