I need to say this somewhere because I believe keeping secrets is dangerous. I purged the other day. I didn't want to and it's been over a year since doing that on purpose. But last Thursday night I definitely purged. It's related to the other thing I'm not talking about... skipping meals. I am bored with my regular foods and have zero interest in expanding my repertoire of cooking right now.

Old thoughts are dancing around my head. Lose weight. Stop being fat. It's winter soon so no one would notice if you lost weight. It'd be so easy to hide. Honestly, since a break-up not too long ago, thoughts are more and more frequent. Old thoughts... "no one is crazy enough to love someone as ****ed up as you" ... they are spinning around. It's a breeding ground for my ED.

Trying to fight back. Increasing exercise as it grounds me in my body, in my strength, in what my body can do when nourished. Increasing meditation and meetings (I'm in EDA). I've come too far to mess up now. I can look past one slip and a few missed meals. I've been "in recovery" for a solid year. There is no going back. And yet... maybe for just a few pounds??? I hate my head sometimes. It is far sicker than I wish.