After my last session I emailed my T about feeling less connected to her lately because I KNOW she's going to shut me out somehow and I'll be devastated. She said we'd talk about it in my session, which is tomorrow.

I'm not sure what's going on with me. Maybe it has to do with losing my H, and all the changes in my life. Or maybe not. T is SO nice, and acts so friendly ( she always has) that I think I'm going to get hurt. Not deliberately, but because she's my T, not my friend. She's giving me unconditional love, and I soak it up. I can't help but love her! I'm afraid I will lose her so I have to push her away. Something will come up in her family like her divorce did, and she won't tell me. I'm suddenly depressed about that.

I think this feeling came up because of her art show. I got a glimpse of a part of T who I don't know. I felt I was trespassing though she didn't mind. Her paintings triggered me because I don't understand them. Who is my T anyway?

Our relationship has felt normal for a long time now, as compared to how I used to feel attracted to her. It seems like she's family or a close friend but it's basically one-sided of course. I almost wish she weren't so nice to me, and wouldn't act like she loves me (therapy love) because I'm going to be hurt.

I'm not thinking of ending therapy and she has reassured me she's not moving out of town. I'm actually learning how to be independent, and have activities and friends. I don't need my T, but I want to tell her everything because she's my cheerleader! No one in my life ever loved me unconditionally, not my Mom nor my husband. I have been letting myself love her back, but, like I said before, I'm afraid something will change and I will feel shut out by her. If she would die, I would feel like another death in my family. I'm scared to love her, and to talk about this tomorrow.