There is nothing, repeat, NOTHING wrong with you. Your emotions are emerging from the "cloud" you have been covering them up with for so long. You live, you learn, little by little, day by day, what is good and healthy for you and your recovery and what isn't. It does get better; the first year is definitely the hardest. I wish I could guarantee that you won't have experiences like this again in the future, but you probably will. Just remember, you get stronger and you learn that what feels like an overwhelming disaster is actually something you can survive and in so doing, your self esteem improves, maybe just a little bit, but definitely in the right direction. Just a couple of months ago, you said you would have to effectively poison yourself to deal with your grandmother. Now you're facing it head on and learning and growing from it. We are all so much more capable and competent than we think we are; we just need to give ourselves the chance to show it, most of all, to ourselves! Hang in there, holidays are coming!