This is the first time I've ever actually put this in writing, because until recently I chose just not to think about it, but it's really been bothering me.
It's pretty likely that I was sexually abused by my father as a child - the only memories I have from before I was about nine were of waking up and finding my violent (towards my mother) and alcoholic father naked in my bed. I don't remember anything, but if something happened or not, I know it's something that does affect me. I was on a relationship for almost two years, and though I thought I trusted the guy I was with I never felt comfortable or even safe whenever we did anything. When I started to refuse because I couldn't deal with it he became abusive towards me.
I felt so anxious when the topic of sex comes up, whether it was in school lessons or when it comes up on TV or in conversations. Doctors... I am meant to have an appointment soon for an IUD because other birth control doesn't work on me, and I'm terrified. I don't know if I can even go through with it, just the thought of it makes me so anxious.
Part of me wants to bring this up with my psychologist, wants to have answers, but I don't know if it would do more harm than good. Part of me just doesn't want to know, but it's really bothering me. Whatever happened, my brain blocked it out of my memory for a reason, but that was when I was a little girl. Now that I'm older I wonder if someone told me there was a way to find out what happened, would I say yes? Just been on my mind