That was such a nice post ThunderGoddess.

((justwow43)), you are there, you are you, try not to beat yourself up. It really sounds like you developed this challenge because of the dysfunction you grew up with, not your fault. You were pregnant very young, and married very young too. You didn't really have the time to go through those teen years of developing as a person because you were a mother then a wife. It sounds to me like you had to grow up much too fast because of the dysfunction taking place with your parents then bingo you are a parent. It's no wonder your early 20's were so crazy. And no wonder you struggled with all that anxiety. The typical teen can experience anxiety you know, but you were not the typical teen, you were suddenly having to be very responsible. My guess is all that really scared you at times which is why you looked for an escape and experimented with some drugs.

So you are suddenly 43 and standing at your sink seeing what you have that you should be happy about but are missing something. Well, many 43 year old women have those moments.

I just want to make sure I mention something important though, 43 is at the age of menopaus too. You could also be premenopausal or even going through a change as some women that age do go through menopaus and you should have your estrogen levels checked. Never rule that out of the equation from here on, a gynocologist can do a blood test to check your estrogen levels. A change in estrogen levels can make depression worse.

If you do have what is called BPD, as ThunderGoddess mentioned you can get treatment for it, and it doesn't mean you are a bad person either.

That being said, it is actually "normal" for an individual to feel a bit lost at different stages of their lives. These stages are at 20, 30, 40, 50 and so on.