I have no one in my life that I'm really close enough with to be able to share this and I really just want to share it.

Short version: I had sex, I felt safe, and I am so happy.

Long version:
Growing up sex had never been a choice so technically I wasn't a virgin medically speaking. However emotionally I always saw myself as a virgin since I never consented. I found it incredibly important to wait until the man I fully trusted and wanted to spend the rest of my life with before having sex. I wanted it to be with someone who deeply loved me and I loved back. I wanted it to be an emotionally safe experience.

It's been 10 years since the last assault and I partially dreaded having sex because I was afraid it would be triggering. My fiancé knew that concern and never once pushed me to have sex. He's always let me make the move when it came to intimacy. We've been together for almost 2 years now and we've fooled around a bit and mutually masturbated together. It's conflicting when you have C-PTSD related to sex but then also have a high sex drive. Well yesterday afternoon we were fooling around and I just got so damn horny. Afterwards I whispered in his ear "maybe next time let's go for a home run." His eyebrows shot up and he said we can. A little bit after that he said that maybe it wasn't the best idea and that maybe we should prepare a little first. By that he meant that mentally we were both really nervous for the first time. I agreed but later that night I was still really horny and was masturbating under the blanket while we watched TV. When he noticed we started making out again. After awhile he pulled away and whispered that he really wanted to take my clothes off. I said I wanted to too. He went and got a condom. It was actually an amazing experience and I am so glad that we didn't wait. I think if we chose to wait I would have started overthinking everything to the point of anxiety. Allowing ourselves to get more caught up in each other and the moment rather than inside our own heads was great.

Honestly, the sex part could be better, but the intimacy was perfect. All-in-all I'm no longer so worried about being triggered by sex. I know that it can still happen and I need to gauge my mental health status prior to sex but it's no longer a big worry of mine. I had sex, I felt safe, and I am so happy.