Forgot about this thread for a moment - wow! Thank you all so much for your replies

I think that at the heart of this is my belief I won't be accepted as myself. No way, no how. My dad didnt want me and my mum took care of me as her duty, not because she wanted to/liked me. She also didn't want me to be myself and follow my heart because she hadn't had the courage to do so when she was younger, so she's always been jealous of the possibilities I've had.

I became the biggest people pleaser I know. Looking back on it, it was awful. I had no personality of my own, I just tried to do and be whatever others wanted from me. Until I got sick of it and went to the other extreme and started telling people exactly what I thought and how I felt about things. But this is what I fear will get me into trouble at work. And while I fear this, I also feel I'm going to burst if I have tell one more lie. If I have to put on a happy face when I'm not, in fact, happy. It's just, ugh.. Kills me.