I struggle a lot. It used to be worse but therapy helped. My family has been through a lot with holidays; it seems as soon as some tradition is established something happens that changes it. A time or two that's been a happy thing, like when my niece was born. Mostly it's been bad stuff like divorce, doing Christmas with my mom in the middle of the night since our father demanded we be with him on Christmas morning, my hospitalization through Christmas one year (that left people angry and frustrated and delayed Christmas a week), and more recently my siblings can't be together for reasons that will not go away. And this year we're adding in my brother probably won't be allowed to leave his city because he'll be on probation that probably will restrict him to his county and that will be interesting to solve.

I'm getting stressed because I'm usually done shopping by Oct. 30 and haven't started yet. Nor do I have any idea what I'm getting anyone aside from some books for my older niece to complete a set I got her for her birthday. Otherwise, no clue. And since I may be pushed into the hospital to go on clozaril and go off Seroquel in a couple weeks I may wind up shopping from the hospital or doing it really fast after hospitalization. Gift cards for adults and then I'd just have to get the kids something. But still not so easy.

Oh well. Can't change that it is coming. I finally learned a few years ago I also can't change the history of trauma surrounding it (we don't just have the holidays, all of my siblings and I have birthdays within a couple weeks of Christmas that make it drag on and I have had some seriously awful birthdays).